After the Battles We Fought
by deathpuppet13
Summary: Arthur's been acting wierd around Merlin, even more than usual and she WILL find the reason! Fem!Merlin and a few other surprises!


After the Battles We Fought

It had been many years since Arthur had been crowned King and magic had been restored to Camelot. I, his greatest and loyalist friend and advisor, as he put it, had been named Court Sorceress. I had always been loyal to Arthur and when I revealed my magic to him he immediately named me Court Sorceress. Arthur soon after proposed to Guinevere and she turned him down, respectfully giving him reasons that were only known to Arthur. He wouldn't even speak of it to me so I decided to drop the topic for good.

Lately I had been noticing that Arthur was giving me strange looks, especially when I talked with Gwaine or any of the other knights, but especially Gwaine and Lancelot. I had taken to talking with Gwen and Morgana. Morgana had come back and said that now that the ban on magic was gone she held no malice for Arthur or Camelot as a whole seeing as he was not Uther.

It was one such day that I was sitting watching the knights train with Arthur that I noticed that Arthur was showing off more than usual. He used moves that merely showed how strong and nimble he was and when he defeated someone he would look at me and smile with a small brandish of the sword. I smiled back and he turned to face the next knight.

"Hello Merlin," Gwaine said sitting next to me. "Or should I say Court Sorceress?" He grinned cheekily and I punched his arm playfully.

"Hello Gwaine, I see you're cheeky as always. Come to pick at Arthur's nerves again?" I asked with a grin.

"As tempting as that is I have come for another reason," he said adopting a serious expression.

"Oh, and what is this serious business you have?" I asked. He looked down at me and seemed to be deep in thought. He placed a calloused hand on my cheek and kissed me on the opposite cheek. At that moment Arthur had turned to give me his triumphant smile and it turned into a grimace. He angrily walked over as Gwaine pulled away.

"What the hell is going on over here?" Arthur asked through gritted teeth. I was so stunned that all I could do was sit as I had been, looking at Gwaine, who was now looking at Arthur, eyes widened in surprise.

"It was a simple sign of affection Arthur no need to go ballistic," Gwaine said and I snapped out of my daze and looked at Arthur. Why was he being so confrontational as of late?

"Well, I would kindly recommend not doing it again Gwaine," Arthur said grinding his teeth together. I immediately, out of habit, scolded him.

"Arthur it's not good for you to grind your teeth together like that." He turned to face me with a look of confusion as if I was speaking another language.

"Is that really all you have to say?" he asked.

"What else am I to say Arthur? I haven't seen anything that he's done wrong, nor I."

"He can't just kiss you like that!" Arthur shouted catching the attention of the knights on the field.

"Arthur calm down, it's not a big deal." I touched his shoulder lightly. He wrenched it away as if my hand was a hot iron.

"I will not 'calm down'! He KISSED you and you do nothing!" He shouted even louder than before. "I won't allow it!"

"You don't _**own**_ her Arthur!" Gwaine said leaping up from the ground. "She can do whatever she likes! Stop treating her like property!" Gwaine pushed Arthur back and Arthur pulled his sword arm back.

"Stop it! I shouted and stood between them. "Stop acting like imbeciles and prats!" I put a hand on each of their chest pushing them apart. "I'm going to my chambers and I have a fine view of the training field from there so if you two get into a scrap I'll know!" I stormed off hiking up my skirt to the ankle in a very unladylike manner. I ran past Gwen and Morgana who followed me.

When I got to my chambers I threw myself onto the bed and screamed into a pillow. I stopped when a nearby vase shattered. "Oh no. oh no, oh no!" I said and started to clean up the mess nicking a few of my fingers and parts of my palms. Arthur had given me those flowers and I didn't want them to die. They were the only proof that Arthur had done something nice for me.

"Need some help?" a familiar voice asked. I looked up to see Morgana, Gwen, and Arthur. Arthur was standing in front and it was he who had asked the question. I nodded not trusting my voice. He knelt down across from me and together we picked up the pieces of the vase.

"I'm sorry Arthur, I don't know what happened. I guess my magic just… reacted. I'm really sorry," I rambled on while I set the pieces on the table. Arthur pulled me into a hug, something he rarely did.

"It's fine Merlin, I promise. We'll get them a new vase and some fresh water," he pulled away and gave me a hard look, "I'm not angry."

I felt my hands getting wet and I looked down and saw they were bleeding. Arthur followed my gaze and pulled my hands into his. "Gwen will you get Gaius, Merlin has cut her hands."

"Of course and I'll get a new vase for her flowers," Gwen said and scurried off. Morgana came over and touched his shoulder.

"Arthur, they're just a few little cuts, she'll be alright, no need to get all worked up over them." She gave a confused look and he merely shook his head.

"Of course," he said and lead me to sit down. He ripped the hem off his shirt and then in turn ripped that in half. He wrapped my hands gently as if her were dealing with a wounded animal. He kept looking at my hands even when he was done as if by staring at them he could make them fine again.

I tilted his chin to look at me, "Arthur I'm fine, they don't even hurt. No need for so much concern, you know I've had worse."

"Yes I do and I regret that most of it was my fault," Arthur mumbled. He obviously tried to say it so I wouldn't hear so I didn't respond, soon after Gaius and Gwen arrived.

"Merlin what happened?" Gaius said and knelt in front of me once Arthur had, reluctantly, moved to kneel beside me. He unwrapped Arthur's makeshift bandages and looked the cuts over.

"I yelled and the vase broke and then I tried to pick up the pieces and I cut my hands," I said in one long sentence. Gaius nodded and then started to rewrap my hands.

"It was good that you thought to wrap her hands Arthur, it reduced the bleeding and she can heal herself with magic and all will be fine," Gaius said and I took a deep breath and thought of a spell that would help.

I spoke in the language of the Old Religion and my eyes flashed gold and a white light encircled both my hands. I heard Arthur suck in his breath through his teeth and I knew that he still wasn't used to me using magic around him. I felt my fingers and hands start to tingle and I knew that magic was taking it's time.

I closed my eyes as I felt a wave of dizziness wash over me and I ended it knowing that my hands would be fine. I leaned back in my chair and let go of the breath I had been holding. "Merlin?" Arthur asked his hand covering one of mine.

"Mm?" I asked quietly opening one of my eyes.

"You okay?" he asked and I was touched by his concern.

"Mmhm," I said, "Using magic makes me tired sometimes, especially when healing someone."

"Oh," he said and I stretched. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I looked around and saw that everyone else was gone. "They left when you started healing yourself." I nodded and stood wobbling a little. Arthur grabbed my arm and I gave him a look.

"Arthur, I am a powerful sorceress of the Old Religion, revered by every Druid in the realm. I can stand on my own thank you very much," I said and wrenched my arm out of his grip, took three steps, and tripped over the hem of my gown landing flat on my face. Arthur burst out laughing and I heard him hit the floor. "PRAT!" I yelled and sat up facing him.

"I'm s-sorry Merlin. It's just s-so f-funny!" he said and burst out laughing again. I magically picked up one of my boots and hit him over the head with it. "Ow! Merlin that hurt!"

"Good it was supposed to you dollophead!" I said and stood up walking to the wardrobe. "It's these stupid dresses you make me wear! If I was in my tunic and trousers this wouldn't have happened!" I pulled out my blue tunic, black trousers, and red neckerchief walking behind the dressing wall and changing quickly.

"You're part of the court, its tradition. You are Lady Merlin Emrys of Camelot and Ealdor, it isn't fit for you to dress like a man. It was fine when you were a servant but you're not anymore!" Arthur protested. I walked out in my tunic and trousers with neckerchief in hand.

"I can dress however I want!" I said and softened. "Arthur, you are not the traditional King. You were going to marry a servant, you were going to marry for love. That's not traditional and neither am I. I am the Court Sorceress yes, but I am also a former servant and a Dragonlord. I can do what I wish and not even you can stop me." I sat next to Arthur on the floor and took my boot out of his hand. "Will you go to the wardrobe and get my other boot?"

"Only if you tell me how great I am." He was pouting.

"Arthur I have told you this many times. You are the greatest King Camelot had ever known. You have a great destiny awaiting you and I'll be there for you until the day I die. Now go get my boot!" I said and threw the slippers off my feet and slipped one foot in my boot. He stood up and threw the other boot at me, pegging me in the back of the head.

"Now you know how it feels, no magic required," he said teasingly.

"Blah," I said sticking out my tongue and put on the other boot. I stood and rubbed my head. I looked around for my neckerchief but I couldn't find it where I set it down.

"Looking for something?" Arthur asked and I looked at him and grimaced. He had my neckerchief in between his index and middle finger. He waved it and I wrinkled my nose.

"What is it gonna take for you to give it back?" I asked.

"Nothing too hard… a simple experiment, I want a kiss." I paled. I had never really kissed anyone except Will and that was a long time ago. That was merely to get our first kisses out of the way. There was only once when I almost kissed Gwaine and Lancelot. Not at the same time though, just the same day. "What has Merlin never kissed a boy?"

I turned red with indignation. "I have too! It was long time ago."

"Who?" Arthur asked darkly.

"Will," I said and didn't add that we never really had feelings for each other. "From Ealdor. Way before Mum even thought of me coming to Camelot."

"Really? Then you shouldn't have any problems with kissing me since you're so experienced." Arthur waved the hostage neckerchief mischievously.

"That was a long time ago Arthur and what's with the sudden interest in me?" I said.

"You're interesting."

"Since when?"

"Since I proposed to Gwen," He said and I sat down. "What?"

"I, you've just never want to talk about what happened that night. Especially to me it seemed," I said. He pulled up a chair and sat in it leaning his elbows onto his knees.

"I never did. I thought about but it was hard for me to say what happened. At the time I didn't understand it. I thought she just didn't want to marry me but I was wrong. She just pointed out something I was too blind to see," he said.

"Alright," I said standing. I leaned down in front of him and gave his cheek a kiss. I tugged my neckerchief out of his fingers and left him sitting there, a goofy grin plastered on his face. I tied the neckerchief around my neck and walked to my old mentor's chambers.

"Hello my girl," Gaius greeted.

"Hello Gaius," I said sitting at the table where he was working. I crossed my arms on the table and set my head on my arms watching him carefully. He went on with brewing his potion and when he stopped he looked at me sternly.

"What do you want to talk about?" Gaius asked sitting across from me. "Don't give me that look I can tell you want to talk about something. What is it?"

"Arthur talked about the night he proposed to Gwen. Not in detail or very explanatory but he did."

"Oh. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I think I should just keep it between us. I don't want to betray his trust," I said. I stood and walked out and down to the training field. I had no reason to but I had nothing to do and I was BORED! There was only a few people so I decided maybe to train my magic a bit. I moved one of the dummies to a direction where no one was.

I watched for a while and decided to try and blast it far away but still control where it was going. I said the words that would do what I wanted. It flew away but I couldn't control it. I decided not to try it again now. I flopped down on my back in the grass and watched the clouds roll across the sky. I felt myself being lulled to sleep so I closed my eyes and slept.

"Merlin?" I heard someone ask but I didn't want to wake up so I turned over onto my stomach and the grass tickled my nose. "Merlin!" I jumped and groaned. I sat up and opened my eyes sleepily, Arthur was sitting on the grass in front of me and it was cold.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Late enough that you should be inside. It's cold out here." Arthur took off his jacket and laid it around my shoulders.

"Thank you," I said and looked up at the sky. It was cloudy and looked like it would start raining soon. That's when the sky opened up and poured down on us in a cold torrent. I handed Arthur his jacket and stood up. "You should go in!" I said loudly because the rain was getting heavy and noisy.

"You should too!"

"I don't want to! When I was in Ealdor we used to play in the rain! It's fun!" I said and started running around like a child. I spun around with my arms outstretched. I felt the water drenching me to the skin and I felt myself getting picked up.

Arthur had picked me up bridal style and we were spinning around wildly. I shouted happily and Arthur set me down and I ran out of his grasp wobbling as I did. I laid down on the wet ground and splayed my hair over my head to let it get soaked. I heard Arthur sit down beside me with a bit of a splash.

"This is really what you did for fun?" he asked. I nodded. "Well, Ealdor children must be soaked through and through whenever it rains."

"Yeah, we were. Well it's letting up so I'm going to go inside. You might want to take a warm bath so that you don't catch a chill," I said and started walking back to the castle.

Merlin!" Arthur shouted. I turned around and through the mist and drizzling rain he ran up to me and planted a kiss boldly on my mouth. He pulled back setting our foreheads together. I put a hand to the nape of his neck and curled the end of his hair around my finger. He cupped my cheek and I turned on my heel and started walking back to the castle.

"I was serious about that bath Arthur!" I threw over my shoulder. I got a few looks as I dripped through the halls and corridors until I reached my room. Outside my door sat Gwaine and Lance both now looking confused.

"Why are you soaked?" Lance asked.

Gwaine took of his jacket and threw it over my shoulders rubbing my arms to warm them. "You're shivering." He said bluntly.

"You didn't answer my question Merlin," Lance said opening my door and ushering me inside. Gwaine lit a fire and the room warmed.

"Thank you Gwaine and I was outside while it was raining Lancelot why else would I be wet?"

"I don't know you could have fallen into a lake!" he said loudly. I picked out my red tunic and blue neckerchief and a new pair of trousers. I stepped behind the dressing wall and changed quickly. I kept Gwaine's jacket around my shoulders. I sat in the chair in front of the fire warming myself as Lancelot and Gwaine looked on.

"Well, I assure you I didn't fall into a lake," I said and gestured for them to sit also. I pulled up another chair and sat down on the floor. They sat in the chairs while I sat by the fire on the floor. "I'm sorry if I worried you guys."

"No, not really. We assumed that you were doing something important. You aren't just Arthur's servant now, you have duties." Lance fiddled with the hem of his tunic.

"Well, you were wrong to assume. I haven't had anything to do for weeks and I was outside playing in the rain. No important business for me!" I said laughing.

Gwaine and Lancelot looked at each other and in unison, "Why?"

"Because when I was younger in Ealdor me and Will used to do it. We usually caught terrible colds when we did but it was fun," I said thinking about my best mate.

"It's seems fun," Gwaine said. I nodded. "Who's Will?"

"Gwaine," Lancelot said punching his arm.

"It's alright. Uh, Will was my best friend. He died a few years ago, he was protecting Ealdor. And Arthur," I said swallowing thickly.

"How did he die protecting Arthur if he was in Ealdor?" Gwaine asked.

"Gwaine!" Lancelot said punching him harder.

"It's fine, really. I've had a very long time to get over it," I said. "It was when Arthur went to protect Ealdor with me, Gwen, and Morgana. Kanen was attacking my village, and my mother came to Camelot to get aid from the soldiers here. When Uther denied it I knew I had to do something so I left with Gwen and Morgana coming too. Arthur caught up with us that night and we all traveled to Ealdor together. When we got back Will made a joke about telling me to clear out. We stayed and Arthur trained the men to fight. A few days later Kanen attacked and we were all ready for it. While Arthur's back was turned after he thought Kanen was defeated. Kanen stood and then picked up the crossbow that Arthur had dropped. He went to shoot Arthur and then Will stepped in the way and took the bolt for Arthur. There wasn't anything anyone could do. Even though Will didn't like Arthur because he was royalty and then he died for him."

"I'm sorry Merlin. I didn't know," Gwaine said.

"It's alright. I like to remember Will that way, he died as a hero. He died protecting his home," I said breaking off a twig from one of the logs kept in my room for the fire. I snapped it into small pieces and fed them into the hungry fire. I locked my fingers around my wrists and watched it. I felt my eyes sliding shut and when I opened them I was in bed, the fire was out, and Gwaine's jacket was over the top of my blanket. I knew how drafty the knights' quarters were so it was sweet that Gwaine had left me his jacket. I took in the scent of alcohol and the faint scent of apples and freshly cut grass, the smell of Gwaine. I pulled the jacket on and walked to the window, the curtains were shut and I peeked around them, it was early morning.

I walked out of my room and stretched my arms over my head yawning. I walked through the halls and somehow wound up at the door to the knights' quarters. I peeked inside and saw that almost everyone was still sleeping so I walked up to my favorite spot, the roof. I liked to watch the people, all of them at once, and just think in general.

I sat with my feet hanging over the edge of the wall of the parapet. There was a nice breeze running through the kingdom and I sat silent and waiting for the new day. The breeze blew strands of hair into my face and I brushed them aside. I felt drowsy and I swayed side to side lightly. A hand laid itself on my shoulder and I jumped. I turned and saw Arthur smiling at me. "Hello there," he said.

"Hello," I said and patted the spot next to me. "Sit down, relax for a while." I slid to make space for Arthur and he sat beside me. I leaned against him our shoulders touching. I pushed against him playfully and he shoved back. I yawned and stretched my arms over my head while Arthur looked out over his kingdom.

"I never noticed how big it was before," he said.

"Hm?"

"The kingdom, I never noticed just how many people that depend on me, that have expectations for me. I make the decisions over all their lives. What if I make the wrong one? What if people die because of my mistakes? I think about it and yet I still don't understand these things," he said and he sounded older than he actually is. I watched him and thought.

"You just have to trust your instincts and when you mess up you try and fix it," I said. "And even if you can't you have to remember for the future and try not to do it again. Learn from it." He nodded and we sat together not talking, just enjoying each other's company.

Footsteps alerted me that someone was coming, and the footsteps were familiar. "Hello Gwaine," I said and the footsteps stopped.

"How do you do that?" Gwaine asked.

"Magic," I said grinning like an idiot. We all chuckled. "Oh and Gwaine, thank you for lending me your jacket last night." I slipped out of it and threw it to him. He caught it and slipped it on over his shirt. He sat down behind us and I leaned against his back. We all bumped shoulders for a while in silence until Arthur spoke up.

"Well, I have training. Will you come with me Merlin?" Arthur asked. I nodded and he helped me down off the low wall. Gwaine smiled and nodded for me to follow Arthur. I waved good-bye over my shoulder. We walked to Arthur's chambers and when we got there, out of an old habit, I started unpacking his armor. "What are you doing?"

"Out of habit, I guess." I said undoing the clasps and buckles of the armor to help him into it. "It never bothered me to help you into your armor, it gives me time to think." I smiled and began to help Arthur into the hauberk.

"Well Merlin, I think I'm going to give you something else to think about," Arthur said and stayed my hands. "training can wait I need to tell you something. Something I should have told you months ago, the reason Guinevere rejected me."

"Arthur you don't have to do that. It none of my business," I said.

"But it is your business. Because the reason she rejected my proposal was because of you," Arthur said. I stared which he took as a sign to continue, "She sat me down and told me something, something that I had always known but mistook as something entirely different. That I was in love, but not with her. With you, I told you before that it was something I was too blind to see and I was right, my feelings had always been there, since the day I met you, but I was too stupid to see it as the love it really was. I thought it was a brother's love, then I found myself wanting things that weren't brotherly at all, kisses, being able to hold you, wanting to be with you. I tried to forget it and I buried those feelings as being a deprived, hormonal boy that was merely wanting after the girl that had always been there and shown complete devotion for everything I did.

"But I was wrong and Gwen knew that I was wrong. She noticed the lingering looks, the stray and unnecessary touches I gave you on your hands or arms, always appropriate, and she picked up on the way I felt before I did." He smiled and continued, "At first I denied it, told her she was the only one for me, that I had never loved another. I had practically begged, but she told me 'Take a few weeks to think about it. If you feel the same then come back and I'll marry you.' I stewed over and over about it and then it hit me about three days after she had said no, she was right. I had always loved another, you Merlin. You had always been the one for me and yet I was too stupid to figure it out. So think about it and then you can tell me how you feel."

I stood with Arthur's hands wrapped around mine and wondering when Gwen had time to figure all this out. I pulled my hands away and looked into his eyes. "I've never thought about it that way, I guess I'm just as oblivious as you. We're two blind fools huh?" I joked.

"I suppose," he said.

I touched his cheek tenderly, "I'll think about it, I've always know there was something special about you, but like you said, I may have misinterpreted my feelings as a sister's love." I pulled my hand back, "Suddenly getting someone's emotions sprung on me is a justifiable cause for some deep thought."

He nodded and walked out with a kiss and I walked to my favorite spot to think, the big window in my room. I sat on the sill and stared out and channeled my magic to help sort everything out. The world around me melted away to reveal my memories whizzing by. I touched the one of when Arthur and I first met and watched as my old self, that Arthur had mistaken as a boy, blush and try to deck Arthur. I laughed and pulled out of that memory to enter another, one more recent, and one of many, times that I thought Arthur was dying. I sat by his bed holding onto his hand and wiping his forehead with a cold cloth. My eyes were pouring tears and I remembered the pain of that day. I pulled out of that memory and floated around until I felt myself being shaken. I returned to reality where the sun was beginning to set. I looked around and there was Arthur, hair mussed and concern written all over his features.

"Merlin?" He asked.

"What is it?" I asked smiling at him lightly.

"You've been sitting there for hours, just sitting, and your eyes were gold... Are you alright?" He asked and sat next to me.

"Better than alright," I smiled and took his hand into both of my bandaged ones. "I can tell you my answer." He perked up and I grinned at his childish antics. "What I was doing was sorting through my memories and it may seem odd but, at first, I hated you, or that's what I told myself. I had that little nervous flicker of an awakening love. Then it grew into a big sister's love, yes big sister even though you're older, because I felt like I had to protect you, from yourself, your sister, your father, those 'love interests'. Then it became what it is now, love, unconditional and irrevocable love." I smile and threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. "You are an arrogant, selfish, pigheaded, dollophead," I said pulling back, "but, you're my arrogant, selfish, pigheaded, dollophead." I kissed him on the mouth and his eyes widened in shock and then he responded in kind.

The next year was one of the oddest. Gwaine settled down with a girl who had come to Camelot a while ago, and was the first lady knight, Percy, although no one was sure what it was short for. A few months later they had a daughter named Primrose, who Gwaine so lovingly called 'The Little Arsekicker' (**a/n: Anyone get the reference?**). Gwen and Lance also got married and soon had twin sons, Lysander and Lucas. Arthur proposed soon after. Those were the happiest years of my life and I will never forget them, after all the battles we fought, we deserved the happiness and relaxation.

**a/n: This has been MONTHS in the making and i hope that you guys like it, the ending was a bit hard to write and i hope Arthur doesn't seem to odd. Review pretty please!**


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